Writing 101: HEADLINE “Monsanto Takes Over Madison’s Farmer’s Markets”

What the fuck?!

Damn Monsanto! Is this for real? Those money-grubbing, world-conquering assholes are taking over the entire Saturday farmer’s market. The one up by the capital? What? All of them? You’re kidding! How the hell can they do that? Is there nothing we can do?

There’s gotta be a way the CSA members of all these awesome local farms can rise up against them. Fuck! And I’m sure Scott Walker is all for it, he’s no help here.

If there is anything we Madisonians are good at is protesting, but if we couldn’t even get the whole state to boot Scott Walker out of the capital, how are we going to beat Monsanto?

Oh my God! What are we going to do? I mean, I’m seriously thinking we need to move to Canada or Sweden. I know I know, they won’t take us. And It’s not like Monsanto is completely immune to taking over other countries around the world either, but at least a lot of the European nations have already stood against their evil ways. Like I’m pretty sure Germany, and like, all kinds of other nation’s have basically chased Monsanto out. Other nation’s government’s are too intelligent and seasoned through the centuries to see that Monsanto is like a modern frickin’ Napoleon! or Hitler even!

I still can’t believe it. Well it won’t last. What idiot is going to shop at Monsanto’s farmer’s market with all their boring GMO patented produce and nasty meats? Does Monsanto do meat? They probably do and it’s nasty and evil too. It’s all nasty and evil, everything Monsanto does is for pure greed and world domination!

Smart though, really. I mean, how would someone truly control huge ginormous populations of people? Like entire countries of people? Food! It’s brilliant. Brilliantly evil and greedy. The problem is there are too many stupid people on the planet to know the difference. Too many idiots probably, for no good reason other than to be contrary to “liberals,” would actually defend Monsanto, support Monsanto, or even fight for Monsanto! Look how frickin’ fast food chains and junk food takes off! Most that shit isn’t on the food pyramid! Does anyone even know what the food pyramid is anymore?

Oh God, we’re doomed.

I better get really good at gardening and hoarding heirloom seeds. Fuck I’d have to protect it all in a sealed greenhouse so Monsanto’s stupid patented pollen doesn’t infect my crops. Can’t you just see it? Like the frickin’ Hunger Games! Imagine US troops, funded by Monsanto Corporation, would come marching in and destroy any gardens that rebel against their patented evil. And then they’d sue you for a rogue sunflower on your property containing Monsanto patented DNA. It’s happening. It’s truly happening. God that sucks!

And who pays these journalists to turn the focus to nothing but GMO’s nutritional value and the effect on the human body? That’s so short-sided and bullshit. The real problem is one ginormous corporation, with the government in it’s back pockets, completely controlling what we can and cannot grow or eat. Wiping out species altogether! And screwing with land quality in the process. How fucked up is that? Oh yeah, Round-Up flippin’ GMO corn that supposedly is disease and bug resistant, until the next year, when nature tries to compensate and work around it, so then Monsanto spends a gagillion dollars on a bunch more experiments. Just think of it- a farmer could then be fined for growing fuckin’ outdated Monsanto soy beans or some shit like that. This whole thing could really spiral out of control.

But for now, Monsanto has freakin’ stole my Saturday mornings from me! And the rest of Madison! Hell, most of Wisconsin!

I need a beer. Make sure it’s local why we got it. Fuck me.

Warning: Monsanto is NOT taking over the Madison farmers markets yet. This is a rant based on an assignment.

You’re told that an event that’s dear to your heart — an annual fair, festival, or conference — will be cancelled forever (or taken over by an evil organization). Write about it. For your twist, read your piece aloud, multiple times. Hone that voice of yours!

Husband approved after I read it out loud.


12 thoughts on “Writing 101: HEADLINE “Monsanto Takes Over Madison’s Farmer’s Markets”

  1. Thanks for the warning at the end. I thought this was a fait accompli when I began to read it at first. Safe to say Monsanto will meet a lot of opposition if it tries this move…

  2. Whew … so glad it’s not true!!!! What IS true is that there have been 4 state campaigns to require that all GMO foods be labeled for consumers. In Washington state – GMO financed propaganda won by a small margin. In California – propaganda won again. The only state that has won is Vermont, and get this – Monsanto tried suing them for infringing upon their freedom of speech …. WHAT!!! Is this backwards, upside-down world? Thankfully, the judge struck it down. But you can be sure that Monsanto will appeal the decision. And now currently the same pro-labeling for GMO products campaign is being waged in Oregon. The majority of the farming community is for it, as they aren’t big agribusiness farmers like California. Anyway come this November … the reckoning. I live in Washington state, and was really disappointed that it didn’t pass. And I couldn’t believe that when I brought it up to a friend who eats only organic, that she didn’t bother voting and was lightly opposed to labeling – as if it was some huge regulatory issue. I told her if they can print new labels for price changes, or whatever they do all the time to try to seduce the consumer into buying products … fitting a tiny GMO label in the midst of things was NOT going to cost the consumer big bucks. In fact, if these products were labeled, producers/manufacturers would probably have to reduce the prices in order to bribe the consumers to buy their products. Payback is a b…ch … they save money at the cost of the consumer’s health and purity of the environment … they SHOULD give back with cheaper products. Anyway … obviously your rant resonated with me! I am thinking this comment is becoming a blog post – for my blog. Thanks for the INSPIRATION!

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